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No Pity. No Shame. No Silence.
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| Someone was raped here |
[01 Apr 2009|05:15pm] |
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The bold womyn at feminist avengers report the latest feminist news. Armed only with spray paint and feminist knowledge, womyn and feminist allies marked some locations in Columbus where rape has occured with the words "Someone was raped here."
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| Movie |
[17 Feb 2009|12:32pm] |
Just watched the first 30 minutes or so of Slumdog Millionaire, and walked out.
I feel sick and my head hurts. And I can't unwatch it. Well worth avoiding if you don't like triggers-without-warning.
I hate bits of my past.
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| New here |
[13 Nov 2008|12:06pm] |
Name: Heather
Age:30
Gender: Female
How old were you when it happened?: I was in my early 20's when my ex-husband began psychologically, emotionally, sexually and financially abusing me.
Are you a survivor or a friend of a survivor: Survivor
What are the effects of the abuse: I second guess myself constantly, I have anger issues - although these are under control and directed appropriately, I feel like my life has a 10 year pause button on it and I missed an entire decade of my life
Are you in therapy:No, but I'm thinking about going back
Where did you hear about this community: an lj link
Anything else you want to tell us?: I tell my story to anyone and everyone who will listen, because if one person gets out because they know I did, it's worth everything I have to relive
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| Book recommendations? |
[23 Sep 2008|04:05pm] |
I want to order some books for rape survivors. Please let me know which ones are good!
(sorry if you get this twice!)
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[16 May 2008|10:52pm] |
Groups been rather quiet lately. I hope that's because everyone's doing good.
I'm surviving...which is the best anyone can ask for I guess. I'm on minipress (spelling?) for the PTSD nightmares and for the time being it seems to be working. We'll see.
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| Self-defense is NOT sexual assault prevention |
[17 Apr 2008|12:21am] |
I write this blog as a sexual assault crisis counselor, a victim advocate, a feminist, an activist, and most of all, as a survivor.
My alma mater has a fantastic tradition shared with other communities and universities around the world: Take Back The Night. In it's eleventh year at my school, it continues to grow and draw tears and hope for many survivors of sexual assault. It is a night for the entire university to draw together support and love, and the overwhelming hope that one day, sexual assault will not be a problem in our or any society. Every year, thousands are inspired by these grassroots events to raise awareness and offering a loving shoulder to cry on, hand to hold, ear to listen. It has become something that I have looked forward to every year and hold dear to my heart.
Now, tonight started in the same vein; it was so wonderful to hear survivors come forward and talk about their stories and start (or rather, continue) their healing process. But, then...
Representatives from campus police came up to give a demonstration of their new program: RAD (Rape Aggression Defense), a physical self-defense course now being offered on campus.
Let's examine why this is a BAD idea, shall we?
A) Instead of talking about sexual assault prevention on a wide scale, a "sexual assault will never end until we recognize that violence is a product of oppression and not respecting choices" kind of approach, it reinforces the idea that women need to be on their guard AT ALL TIMES, be afraid of every dark corner where their rapist could be lurking, not to "put themselves in a bad situation". If I am not mistaken, isn't the whole point of Take Back the Night to actually Take Back our own power, to say we shouldn't have to be afraid to be out at night?
B) It also reinforces the idea that most rapists are those men lurking in dark corners. According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network), approximately 76% of rape victims know their assailants. If it's your husband, your boyfriend, your friend, your boss, your family member, your coworker, someone you trust, it's a lot harder to come to terms with trying to incapacitate them and run.
C) Promoting self defense as prevention does not take into account those victims who are incapacitated themselves; those under the influence by their own volition or someone else's. A person who is intoxicated can not fight back physically, and perpetrators often use that to their advantage.
D) Women who fight back physically may aggravate their attackers so much so that they could, in turn, fight back harder, resulting in more physical harm to their victim. The officer in the demonstration said, "This information may save your life someday." But, in reality, it could take it as well. Furthermore, if a woman does fight back and survive, she could then be held liable for assault on her perpetrator. The self-defense claim is not foolproof.
E) Women who are trained in self-defense, whether it's through a mini course such as the one sited before, or whether it's years of practice in a martial art, are still raped. For reasons stated before, such as intoxication, or knowing your perpetrator, or just a basic human response--fear-- years of training can go right out the window. It may be said that those who do have the training may feel more shame about what happened, and blame themselves even more, because they "should have been able to" fight their assailant off. Which brings me to my last, and in my opinion, most important point...
F) Self defense as prevention is victim blaming. It takes the responsibility of prevention off of the perpetrators hands and back into the victim's. "If I had only taken that self defense class," "If I had only fought harder," "If I only hadn't been drunk or trusted him or walked to my car alone or invited him to my room..." Sexual assault is NEVER the victim's fault, no matter the circumstances. A cultural shift is necessary to stop ideas that the victim is to blame for the violation they endure, and that it is our responsibility, as a university, community, and society that perpetration is unacceptable. This last point is a summation of the other points, in that we should have a right to not be afraid to be by ourselves, that we should have a right to trust who we trust, feel what we feel, wear what we want to wear, and do what we want to do in whatever context of our lives. I refuse to abstain from observing my rights out of fear of what may happen to me. This fear gives perpetrators more power, and keeps more victims silent and ashamed.
It is disgusting that this kind of "prevention" is thought of as empowering and a fail-proof way of women to protect themselves. Clearly, this type of training is not appropriate for a Take Back the Night rally, as it is not only ill-conceived, it is completely counterproductive to the goal of the night.
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| ugh |
[11 Apr 2008|09:49am] |
--I posted this yesterday and, without realizing it fast enough, posted it in such a way that anyone could have read it from my friends page. I had to delete the message in order to repost it correctly. Two people had commented and I wanted to let you both know how much I appreciated your comments. I also wanted to let you know why the message disappeared. I feel better now knowing that all of our identities are protected.
It's been a long time since I posted. A really long time. So long, in fact, that LiveJournal has changed its format and appears to only show updates on the friends page that have happened during the week.
Anyway...I'm not sure if any of you guys have heard of Professor Randy Pausch or not. If not, check out his final lecture that's posted on YouTube. It might provide you with some inspiration. I definitely felt better after seeing it.
On another note....flashbacks are back. And they suck (go figure, right?). So I'm back to not being able to sleep. Because of that, I end up in this state where I walk around kinda half awake half asleep during the day at work. And that's when the flashbacks usually hit. So I'm getting hit at home and at work. I recently started a new job, so having flashbacks while I'm here isn't helping a darn thing. Any advice on getting them to stop?
Thanks,
DixieFly
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[07 Jan 2008|11:44pm] |
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I got a big flashy reminder of how hard it is when your assailant is also someone you love more then life. I tend to seperate the two...I think most incest victims do. But there are times, like today, when I want to scream because i know I should hate him but Istill love him with my whole heart.
Deos anyone else ever feel this torn?
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[07 Jan 2008|09:14pm] |
It's been four years this month on the 16th.
And the most amazing thing in the world would be if the people in my life would stop telling me I need to be strong or I am strong or what to do to get through it, I just want how I feel to be alright.
I don't think they realize that when they're telling me I shouldn't be angry or scared because I should be concentrating on being alright what I'm hearing is that I don't have anything to be angry or scared about.
It's taken me four years to be able to walk down the hall at night to get a cup of water without a phone clutched in my hands.
I know it's been four years so maybe the you should be coping better speech seems like it's coming at a good time, but there was never ever a period when I had I know and love saying to me that it wasn't my fault and that the things I feel are understandable.
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[28 Oct 2007|09:31pm] |
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I never got to read the post that this community was inspired by. I clicked the link in the comm. info, but the entry isn't there. Does anyone have a copy? I would love to read it.
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[25 Oct 2007|10:03pm] |
Two women have been abducted from the mall where I live this week. Taken somewhere and then dropped back off at the mall.
I don't know that safety is something that's real.
I think it's luck and chance and circumstance and that makes the world a very very scary place to live in.
They were just walking at the mall.
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| Dedicated To All Female Survivors |
[07 Sep 2007|06:35pm] |
The Smile
How are you?
“Actually, I had a really bad week,” she says, shaking her head and smiling politely.
“I wanted to kill myself,” says another voice, and she flashes her teeth in an apologetic grin.
“I'm so angry,” whispers someone else, her lips pressed together in an upward curve.
“Yeah, I guess you could say I'm upset,” the last one finishes, and she gives a gentle little laugh.
The Smile says; “Sorry for taking your time”.
The Smile says; “I'm a nice person really”.
The Smile says; “Don't bother to get upset about me”.
The Smile says; “I am not a bitch”.
The Smile says; “I am not crazy, not demanding, not strident, not an extremist”.
The Smile says; “I will take up as little space, as little attention, as few resources as possible”.
The Smile says; “I am not unfeminine”.
The eyes above say, “Ignore the smile”.
- by me, copyright me
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| sharing a community of a similar nature that may be of some help to people here besides me! |
[25 Jul 2007|10:36am] |
I am helping start a community for survivors of all kinds of abuse at ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/community.gif?v=92.1) joyousfreedom. It's the first meeting of a new program called Abuse Survivors Anonymous, which is a peer-led support group for survivors that uses the tools and structure of twelve-step programs. (That is, it includes information about the twelve steps, which are a totally voluntary set of tools for things like exploring our own boundaries, learning where we can reclaim power in our relationships and our personal lives, working on our trust issues, et cetera.)
Abuse Survivors Anonymous is for anyone who wants to heal from the effects of abuse. That means survivors of physical, sexual, emotional, spiritual/ritual, and economic abuse/neglect, but it also includes people who are family and friends of survivors who may need their own kind of support.
Sometimes when I share this info people express concerns about it because they think that twelve-step programs are religious programs and/or that they require people to believe in God or something. So I wanted to add what I told someone about it the other week: Twelve step programs do not require that anyone believe in a higher power, or that they do or believe anything else. Working the twelve steps can involve exploring what works for each of us as a higher power, but for many people that has nothing to do with God or religion. A higher power is just something outside yourself, bigger than one person, that you look to for wisdom, guidance, and/or support. For some people this is love, or nature, or a support group, or their intuition, or their dreams for themselves.
This can be especially important for people who were abused at a young age, because at that stage it is easy to confuse our abusers with a higher power. They seem to loom over everything, able to give us everything we need - food, love, shelter - or take it all away on a whim. Many of us are afraid to think about what a higher power might mean for us, having learned instead that that term always means God and that God is a giant angry or distant force who punished or failed us - transferring the blame from our abusers onto something big and intangible and confusing. Often we go on to isolate ourselves from the rest of the world, assuming that we have to do everything ourselves and do it all perfectly in order to be safe.
In recovery, we have the option to examine what mistaken ideas we may have learned from our abusers about our intrinsic worth, our ability to be loved, and our options in life, and to separate those abusive ideas from reality.
Anyway, I like this community a lot and I hope that joyousfreedom can be a helpful other resource for anyone here who needs additional tools or support or just wants even more posts to read :)
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| hello again *possible trigger* |
[31 May 2007|10:42am] |
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mood |
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 contemplative |
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Some of you may remember me from a while back, I was pretty active but...as is wont to happen I started triggering a lot while trying to provide a "cyber ear" if you will, to those who felt comfortable venting at/to me and found myself unable to do anything but lose sleep and cry uncontrollably. I went into a downward spiral of depression for several months and very nearly wrecked my life.
Now though I feel as if I'm ready to take an active role in the community again. I hope I didn't offend anyone, or hurt anyone's feelings by my abrupt departure from anything and anyone related to any sort of reminder. I'm back in school. I was majoring in Psychology and planning on counseling children, but, I triggered, and did a quick reassessment before changing my major to nursing. I'm happy with that choice. I've also gotten married, which brings me to my
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| x-posted to my lj |
[17 May 2007|04:25pm] |
I haven't been posting here because "I haven't needed the group" or at least that's what I would tell myself. In reality, I've been hiding from my demons and doing a damn good job. But the last twenty-four hours have been full of triggers and I'm at my wits end, trying hard not to lose control.
So there's my last few days in a nutshell...anyone have any words of...wisdom or kindness or anything?
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| Outing. |
[01 May 2007|04:57pm] |
http://www.janedoenomore.org/
I just found this site from a major news site's human interest links page.
What do you guys think about it?
I haven't looked through yet, but I suspect some of the info will be triggering, just FYI.
I'll post more tomorrow.
Stay strong, folks.
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[10 Apr 2007|04:34am] |
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This weekend, something came up that really got to me. I play an RPG game with friends each week (yes, I'm a rape survivor AND an utter geek), and while I knew the theme of the game was dark to begin with (Shadowchasers) the game took a turn for the worst when the GM kept coming up with these situations where characters were forced to have sex. It was bothering me, but I didn't want to tell him why. I'd never told him that I'd lost my virginity to a rapist, and didn't want to tell him that playing this kind of storyline was as hard on me as it was. Finally, this Friday, I had to tell him. He had made it so my own character had been raped repeatedly, and I couldn't do a thing to roll against it. I sent him a long letter explaining what had happened to me in the past, and why it hurt to keep seeing this happen to people, even on a fictional level. He was shocked, and instantly apologetic (made up some huge story about a time turning device that erased the whole session, and promised to not do something like that in the game again). He was also sad that I'd been bothered about this since the first time it happened, months ago, and not said anything to him then. I've been asking myself since then why I didn't. He's a good friend that I've known for years, and I kept telling myself that the only reason I didn't mention it is because it never happened to come up in conversation. Yet here we are in a situation where it's adamant that I DO say something, and it takes me forever to let him know. After thinking some more on it, I realize...I still have shame. Not that it happened to me, but that I'm still as affected by the whole event today, almost fourteen years later. I don't want to be this delicate person who can't watch a movie or read a book or roleplay where situations like that are shown, without nightmares or depression hitting me from the exposure. I want to stop reliving it every time something reminds me of that night, and while a great deal of the pain has lessened since then, it's not all gone, and probably never will be. I didn't tell him, because I wanted to be okay with it despite the fact that I wasn't. Is that the same as being ashamed of rape?
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